For a while there I was thinking about leaving on a daily basis in a kind of cyclical manic-depressive-escapism way. (Don't care if that actually made sense). It wasn't good for me but I can't really say I'd been in a great place. Luckily though, I was not alone in my apathetic despondency. Depression this winter was at the very least less manic than last winter but just as affecting. Instead of feeling totally out of my head I just felt low... really, really low.
In general, my lack of writing on this blog is directly related to those feelings of depression. Not to say it came and never went away but when it left there was nothing much to say. Not only that, but I haven't been so closed in a long time. I wasn't writing because the things going on in my head weren't truly appropriate for this blog. Ultimately, I do answer to Peace Corps with what I say here and for good, understandable reasons. What I write can be easily misunderstood and misinterpreted and those two things are opposite of the Peace Corps 10 Commandments ( or 'Core Expectations'). Yet, I'm lucky to have friends both in and out of Peace Corps I can share my uncensored thoughts with, without harming my community or Armenia.
It's kind of crazy to think that the last time I blogged was before I even decided to book my plane ticket to Milan. When things got sticky in the fall I became totally focused on life after Peace Corps and was trying my hardest to get approval to leave a little early to attend a specific Yoga Teacher Training I had discovered in the Himalayan mountains. It took a while to find the one I was looking for, then there was some negotiating and around the time of my last blog post I was notified that my request had been once and for all officially declined. In retrospect it was good timing as the holidays were coming up and I had no choice but to forget about all that for a little while.
This year I hosted Christmas for some close friends of mine. I enjoyed picking out a fake tree and decorating the house with some help. I did not enjoy when my pipes froze two days before Christmas, after the casual Christmas party ( that no one came to because it was freezing and we were all broke (( or so I tell myself)) and two days before actual Christmas. I am very grateful for the friends I do have though, as they helped to hold me and the holiday all together. Everyone was so good lending helping hands with fetching water, cooking, stoking the fire, gathering the fire wood, dealing with poo mountain and most of all keeping spirits relaxed and positive. Frank was even enjoying our company by the end of the four day affair.
It was the day after Christmas that I impulsively bought a ticket to visit my friend Caitlin in Italy. I had been holding on to a voucher from AirFrance that was about to expire and instead of looking into trips BLAHBLAHBLAH I simply booked my ticket and then notified my friend - because I've known her since Pre-K and BOOM, moves like that are totally okay! A few days later I traveled to Yerevan to meet with other volunteers and celebrate the New Year. I had a really amazing night, dancing with my friend David only how David and I can dance. My friend Chris came back to Malishka with me on the 2nd for a few nights. One night we almost died of smoke suffocation from my wood stove but HEY, we didn't and that's what counts. I also visited my host family for a very low-key 'Nor Tari' (New Year) celebration.
My lowest was after all of this. The sun had not shone in about two weeks and the temperature was staying between 0 and 15 degrees Fahrenheit. It was in that time I just felt empty, bored and despondent. I didn't have school and I didn't really have anywhere to be. I started writing in my 'ledger' at this point, a gift from a friend. The ledger is a daily account of my life's happenings. At first it was just about giving myself something to do and then it sort of took on a life of its own. Luckily, I soon discovered Beyonce's new album and I again had purpose in my life- to writhe around my living room as though I was the sexy goddess that Beyonce is. This helped to lift my spirits immensely until school started up again. I knew that all I had to do was to get through two weeks of school and then it was vacation time!
Not to forget January's 'Great Pet Caravan to Yerevan' where myself and Frank, two puppies, two kittens and two other volunteers gathered in a taxi to head to the veterinarian in Yerevan. Frank made me so proud on this day, so much so that when giving his name for his kitty passport (so that he can come home with me in July) I went with 'Francis Scott'. No, not after Francis Scott Key but F. Scott Fitzgerald. I have my friend Jenny to thank for that one. Either way it was an adventure and not nearly as stressful as I'd previously envisioned. After having that experience I feel confident about Frank's ability to travel to America!
Instead of writing another 11 paragraphs about Italy and how amazing and beautiful and sexy and comforting and invigorating and liberating and perfect it was in every single way I'll wrap up saying this: I'm going to make the rest of my days here count, savoring all the moments I have left. I'm going to try and keep my heart open, even when it hurts, especially when it hurts. I'm going to love Armenia and let it love me.
No comments:
Post a Comment