What's In Your Head?

Today is Army Day in Armenia, so there is no school and banks, etc are closed. Over the weekend, I traveled to the capital to do some business, and also for our book club. This was the book club's first meeting, so I was looking forward to seeing how Peace Corps staff lives and also to have a relaxing evening.

Luckily, I was able to do just that the night of the book club. The Assistant Director of the country was hosting and some of us stayed the night at her place, as opposed to a hostel. When everyone was winding down, she told us of the jacuzzi bath located in the guest room. I made a swift move to be the first person indulging in such a luxury. She had epsom salt, lavendar essentials oils and the whole bit! I felt like I was home and it was truly wonderful. I am such a hedonist, that I took yet another 45 minute bath the next morning.

While I was living in Boston in the winter of 2011, and in the midst of the application process, I was fortunate enough to have a clawfoot tub located in the bathroom right off of my room. I would spend the majority of my weekend in there, singing on the top of my lungs, incense burning, drinking chilled white wine and what ever else. After one such occasion, I sauntered into the living room, probably still in my bathrobe, flushed in the face from the heat and plopped down onto the couch with an audible sigh of contentment. My roommate looked at me and teasingly asked, "How are you going to live without the bath tub Carolyn?" I didn't have an answer for him at the time; so we laughed together about the multitude of indulgences I would have to give up upon entering the Peace Corps.

I don't know if he reads this blog, but if he does I would say to him, "Nah Nah!" At this moment, there are three baths in this country with my name on them. One right in the town next to me (this is a new development), my friend Chris up North's, and now the most prized one of all that I must wait until the 1st weekend in March to lounge in once again.

In other news, I found out this weekend that young Armenians are really into The Cranberries, particularly the song 'Zombie'. That was probably the highlight (besides the bath) of my weekend. Also, the search is still on for a house - no luck yet. And nearly all of the snow has melted, its stayed between 40 and 50 degrees in the day! Fingers crossed that the winter stays this mild!

I miss all my babies at home, in particular the four year old.

Quote of the Week: "There are alotta weird things to think about in this country." Tommy Ransdell
Song of the Week: The Cranberries 'Linger'

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

I have been back in Armenia for approximately three weeks now and I'm finally feeling readjusted. Anyone close to me knows that I was having a seriously difficult time being back in my village, at host family's home. The word isolation  doesn't do it justice. As a friend asked in his oh-so-blunt way this morning, "back to the grind of freedomless womanhood in armenia?". 

Interestingly, the thing that helped me get back into the mindset was hitting the road and going to see friends. You might think that I was doing myself an injustice by only temporarily leaving my solitary confinement to eat good food and drink wine with friends. It may cross your mind that this, similarly to visiting America, would only lead to deeper feelings of depression, isolation, and general misery. 

Yet, when I sat up in the middle of the 4th or 5th night in the village, because the insomnia was becoming too much and I wanted to write; the things that were written down and later remembered the next morning were a warning sign to me. I was likening the sense of dread deep in the pit of my belly to a seriously dark time in my life during college. That was when I knew I needed to leave. While I believe that working through tough times independently is an important component to healing / progress, there also is a strength in saying ' I need your help right now' - and that is precisely what I did. 

First, I visited site mates in the nearby town and cried the moment I put my bags down. I told the girls of my time at home and all I was feeling since returning. They sat and listened supportively until I was finished. What a necessary reminder that there are people here, that are here with me in this, that they give a shit and I'm not alone! Once I knew school was canceled ( due to the cold) for yet another week, I gave my friend Brian a call. I view Brian as this gift from the heavens, a sweet man that finds my crassness hilarious, cuddles with me when I demand it, and bakes me cookies while I lay under a blanket watching Friends. That's real friendship, kids. Brian is also my favorite person alive because he invited me to go over to the music school that he is associated with to sing songs while he plays along on the piano. If you know me, you understand what a dream come true this man is for me... Sorry Auntie's if I got your hopes up, he unfortunately plays for the other team :)

After two nights of cold heaven, I went back into the capital to wait around for a taxi to go about four hours north to the town of Berd. It was my friend Christopher's 25th birthday weekend and I was damned if I wasn't going to make it up there! To my great surprise, it turns out that Chris has a working bathtub. Oh the joy, the shock of learning this upon my arrival!!! Not only that, but the weather was cooperating as well. Chris and I took a walk each day that I was there, enjoyed the beautiful daylight and scenery. We had long talks about "the meaning of it all" while sitting on an unfinished Soviet bridge, and then I ate shit on the mud/snow on the way back. 

Even though my return travel was a real bitch (left Berd at 10am, arrived in Malishka at 9pm), I felt truly refreshed. There's something about being on the road for that long, even if you are cramped up against the door so you don't crush the wildly petite woman squeezed in next to you, that clears the mind. It reminded me that there is a lot about this country I love. It was also nice to taste freedom on my tongue, if only temporarily. Staying with friends who have places of their own got me planning all the things I want to do once I have the same. I don't know if I've ever started planning my birthday so early...

Song Of the Week: U2 "One"

Quote: "Stinks, stinks like shit!" - McGruber

It's Not You, It's Me...

… the hardest sentence to explain or make sense of to anyone you’re separating from.  I have finally decided to move out of my host family’s. It’s been great, but it is high time that I  found a place of my own.

I’ve been back in Armenia since around 10pm on January 2^nd. I had to, once again, say goodbye to my friends and family. My girlfriends from home sat around my kitchen table one last time and laughed our heads off, putting off that ‘goodbye’ as long as possible. Just thinking about it makes me miss them.  I smoked my last ever cigarette with my long time comrade in this activity on my porch, then watched as they drove away in their separate cars. See, I have this sinking feeling that by the time I return to America, most of them will have moved out of town. Our accessibility to one another will really never be the same. This feeling, that an era is over, has been ever present in my life recently. 

On my way out of town, I stopped at my niece’s home to give her a birthday present, sing Happy Birthday and hit the road. At the airport my mother cried equally as hard as the first time and my father was as stoic as ever. It was definitely interesting to be heading back alone this time around. When I checked in, the lady asked if I was willing to volunteer for a later flight that evening and that I would be compensated for my time. I agreed and walked away with $400 in flight credits. Here I come exotic yoga retreat this summer!

Stepping out of the airport outside the capital city was certainly surreal. There was a part of me afraid I had forgotten all my Armenian, but when I opened my mouth to speak, I was happily surprised that not all had been lost. I met my friend at the Peace Corps office and then headed back out with him. We crashed at another volunteers place that night and then returned back to the city. The next two nights were spent at a hotel with my closest friend here, to celebrate her 24^th birthday. We had a grand old time and the next night attended a dinner hosted by Foreign Service Officers to offer us information on the life of a diplomat.

The next afternoon as I sat in the taxi on my way back to Malishka, it occurred to me that I had literally not been there in a month. A little anxiety started to kick in, and I realized that I didn’t want to return to anyone. While it was nice to have people there, with a fire going and hot food waiting – I also just wanted to crash. I wanted to walk in the door, drop my bags, change into sweatpants and call my mother. Yet, these options were not available to me. They were waiting for me, they were excited to see me and wanted to sit and hear all about my trip. I gave them their presents and we chatted a little bit over dinner. Luckily, by the time I had returned the week-long Nor Tari celebrations were coming to an end. The last thing I wanted was to walk into a house full of guests, or even meet a single new person after living out of a suitcase for a month, and being on the go for the last week.

When I woke the next morning, the gnawing feeling that I wanted a place of my own began to intensify.  Even before coming to Armenia, I had figured that by spring I would find a house for myself. Yet, this was different. Being home for that long of a time, made me keenly aware of how many sacrifices I truly had been making in the ways of personal space and freedom. The freedom to eat –guiltlessly- at anytime that I chose, freedom to come and go as I please with no explanation and the personal space to do yoga in one room, eat in another, sleep in yet another and never interfere with another person's doings.

I want these things. I want these things, bad. There are so many daily stresses, that at the end of each one, I simply want to decompress. No matter how long I am here, that will never be able to fully happen while living with a host family. Now that I have finally expressed this to my family, I feel a little better knowing that things are moving in that direction.

Today I returned to school for the first time. The weather has turned from mild to your typical uncomfortably cold winter in the last week. Siranush informed me on Sunday that we would not teach Monday, but that we would meet and decide if we are going to hold classes or not this week. In the morning, her mentor - a very senior individual in the school- came to walk with us. She told me that it had already been decided school would not be held this week. It felt like business as usual upon entering the front doors of the school and the wonderfully warm welcome I received from the rest of the teachers was heart warming. I got big hugs and kisses, wide grins and the feeling that I had genuinely been missed.

Tthis last week back hasn't been easy. I was excited to be here when I first landed and I don't regret for a second going home (even for that amount of time), but it has been emotionally taxing this last week. In some ways, it feels as though I am back in the game, after a healed injury, with new sneakers to break in. It hurts, and I'm getting blisters where the skin had softened. Yet, this game is not entirely new and hardship is a game I've defeated in the past. I'm keeping my head up, and milking my close relationships for what their worth. Tomorrow, I will travel to see my friend Brian and then Thursday head North for the first time for my New York bestie's 25th birthday. I look forward to getting some good pictures for my next video!! And if you haven't yet seen the video I made, check it out here.

Quote of the week: "I'm not tryna hear any a that sissy shit!"
Song of the Week: Flight Facilities "Clair de lune (ft. christine hoberg)"

That's All Folks!

As I write this my mother is tearily preparing my last breakfast home for the next 20 months. I've made the executive decision to stay on the other side of the world until my service is complete. When I first left back in May, I had left myself open to both the possibility of returning home during service and remaining in Armenia. Clearly, the prior happened and I'm glad that it did. My time home has been as wonderful as possible considering the unexpected factors: the length of my stay and the reasons why my stay was so long.

Being home has given me a unique perspective on my service thus far and what's ahead of me. The varying levels of interest from others in my experience, and what they're curious enough to ask me about, has been a source of entertainment throughout my stay at home. Generally, I get a little fresh with people - especially those that I'm close with; so there were many instances five minutes into the SAME questions AGAIN that I would bluntly say things like, "Well - you should probably just read my blog or look at my pictures on FB AND THEN YOU WOULD KNOW." So, I want to personally thank all of my readers and life followers; I greatly appreciate all of your love and adoration - it means more than you realize.

And now, I have some New Years reflections and resolutions that I would like to share.

Lessons learned in 2012:

• Trust yourself. From everything to your instincts, opinions, and potentially bad choices - go in and come out with your head high.
• Nothing and nobody is perfect, so stop expecting it to be that way. 
• Attempting to gain happiness through others will only lead you to disappointment. Find it within yourself. 
• Talk less, listen more. 
• Sit back, kick your feet up and watch it all happen as objectively as possible.

2013 Goals:

• Find my balance in friendships, work, community integration, and decompression activities.
• End my casual relationship with cigarettes, once and for all. 
• Continue to learn how to love myself fully, without judgment. 
• Tend my own garden and not be envious of others'.
• Keep my heart open as much as possible, even when it hurts.

Well, that's all folks! Here's to another year full of new experiences, friendships, and lessons learned. I wish you all the very best. Thanks to all my friends and family that made it a point to come out and see me, or reach out to me via text and telephone. You're all so important to me, and until we meet again... 

Kisses and such, Carolyn!

Song of the Month: Bob Seger: Turn the Page

Quote of the Month: "I love you, Carolyn."

                                  "Aw, baby! How much do you love me?"

                                  "In January."

                                          - A conversation with my 4yr old niece, Soleil, as she takes a bath.