I returned to America close to four months ago... so... that's weird.
I have been meaning to sit down and write ( process) the end of my service and re-adjustment for about 6 months now. Yet, unlike the first big adjustment at the start of service, returning home and re-adjusting was nothing like the fantastically foreign experience from 2 years prior, it was far more nuanced. I didn't feel like Dorothy in Oz anymore but I felt similarly exhausted, naked and exposed. I understood the words coming out of everyone's mouths around me, but felt that I was speaking another language and generally not understood. Again, there was no greater comfort than the voices (and eventual presence) of my fellow PCVs. I wasn't a stranger in a strange land; I was in the homeland and people felt more ridiculous, judgmental, ignorant and fearful than I'd left them.
We were told to be patient with ourselves during re-adjustment, to give it and ourselves time. They reminded us that we were changed and while we might have some consciousness of our differences, they would be felt in a wholly different capacity. It was emphasized that while folks would inquire about service, they in truth didn't care to hear the entirety of your experience. All of these things have proven true and it has admittedly been an uphill battle to feel simply normal and good. A recurring theme in conversations that I've had with other returned volunteers is how re-adjustment has mostly just been a numb experience. Things that we'd expected to be awesome and amazing don't have quite the glitter and glow we'd imagined. In a way it feels like the same old same old from before we left - and it is.
So, I want to again remind my fellow re-adjusting babies of some things.
You just accomplished something amazing and unique, don't forget it! The next time somebody casually says, "I don't think I could/would ever do that," bask in the pride that you did. In the midst of a low day, do something you could not while in service whether it's going to the movies, or choosing an intricate meal to make and taking your time in the grocery store picking out all of the ingredients. In the last few months I have been guilty of sitting around, doing nothing and feeling poorly about my current place in life many, many, many times. I even went so far as to ask my mother if people thought I was a loser... then I proceeded to tell our neighbor that I felt like one - to which she responded incredulously. Yet, it's hard not to feel like one when living back with your parents, jobless even when I just accomplished something amazing.
If you feel like you need a vacation from your vacation ( if unemployed like me) go and take it. Call a volunteer that you feel knows and understands you well. One of the most frustrating feelings upon return is the continued isolation. After having been an outsider for two years, often misunderstood and or not understanding the things around you, to have this continue in a similar but much more complex way is rather difficult. Get out of the house and do something with yourself, spend time with friends, or simply make plans to go see friends. I know that this seems so obvious and simple, but it really isn't. If the disappointment that America, while insanely abundant in food and comfort, and comfort food, is somehow not the glorious thing you'd been counting down the days for - make it so.
Remind yourself that you went without some of the simplest things for so long. Next time you're driving, remind yourself, "I'M DRIVING! I GET TO DRIVE MY OWN PERSONAL VEHICLE WITHOUT BREAKING ANY RULES!" Notice how smooth the ride is, think about the (at times) painfully nauseating roads we've left behind. Then take a look down at your shoes, when was the last time you were worried about their cleanliness?! Remember the layer of dirt that practically covered our entire lives?! I absolutely love no longer being concerned with the dirt on my shoes, LOVE IT. Once you've smiled to yourself at this simple, yet amazingly liberating notion, take solace in the fact that you are an American surrounded by other Americans, who don't give a single fuck about what you're wearing (except maybe if you wore that t-shirt for the last 3 days - this, my friend, you need to change), how you style your hair, whether or not you live alone, what you do with your free time, and what member(s) of the opposite (or same) sex you may or not be having relations with. How awesome, so many things we no longer have to be conscious of!
Try to do as many anonymous things as you can in a week and take satisfaction in that. Do whatever it is you feel like doing but go out and do something. Next time you're in the grocery store, if feeling overwhelmed by the amount of choices remember that you can try something new every. single. goddamn. time. It would take you months to try all of the different selections, realize this and rejoice in it. Go outside and lie down on a patch of grass in a park, do whatever you want there. The next time you buy beer or wine, or whatever is your drink of choice remember that we have this great selection of tasty alcoholic beverages (though, MY GOD, the cost of them). If you're on the job search grind and find yourself more and more defeated every time you don't hear back, take a step away from your computer for an hour. Go outside or to a coffee shop or wherever you feel best able to connect. Take note of your surroundings, of your freedom, breathe in deeply with your eyes closed and remember:
For two years you were giving it all you had, making it work, learning to be okay when many things were not, constantly having to let major and minor irritations go because there was nothing you could do. Now, you are in a place where you can mold your life, your surroundings, your relationships, and your work into a balance that both fulfills and contents you. Deeply acknowledge what a great privilege this is, remind yourself of all the other folks without this. America is a great place because you truly can do, say, and think however you please. Make yourself happy and don't ever forget what you purposefully went without so that when it came back into your life, it would be that much more meaningful.
And, also, you're beautiful, special and I love you.
Kisses and such,
Carol
