I Declare It Spring!

As I write this I'm sitting barefoot in the still strong but fading sun on the stairs outside my house. Frank, as per usual, is crying intermittently in an attempt to be held. All doors leading out are open to let the fresh air into the house. It is warmer in the sun than inside the concrete palace which I reside. I had officially declared winter over after returning from Italy but I knew there was still some volunteers suffering the harsh winter cold. After just returning from Gyumri, where the local volunteers claim the coldest site, I feel safe in making my declaration official. Granted, there are still dangerously icy sidewalks dirtied with snow up there but things are melting consistently.

The weather has finally broken here in Vayots Dzor and with it my mood has lifted. Today I spontaneously baked banana cherry bread. I have had this jar of preserved cherries since last summer and was never able to open it, then this morning violà!  Afterwards Frank and I relaxed in the sunlight together and have been doing so on and off throughout the afternoon. One of the less obvious reasons warm weather is so healthy for me is that I can still enjoy my privacy and separateness but at once feel a part of the community I live in. While I read, the sounds of two siblings playing in the dirt calling out to each other in Armenian while their grandfather sighs over his garden work fades in and out. It reminds me where I am, keeping me grounded here in Armenia

This weekend was a lot more relaxed than the last one. I wrote and then later removed the following post on Facebook:

No doubt the most eventful Valentine's (and perhaps Peace Corps) Day I have ever had. 8:57am urgent phone call from Lauren Michelle that our sitemate Rosie Jeffery's dog (who doesn't have FB and THIS IS THE MOMENT I WANT HER TO!) that she is watching while Rosie is in America, has been violently ill for 48 hours. Hearing the hysteria in her voice, without question I tell Lauren I'll come over. Out the door at 9:05, hoping to have all necessary belongings. Phone call from Liam Johannes about the National Poetry Recitation Contest while waiting for the marshutni (bus). The bus passes by full and I instead hitch a ride from some good samaritan that asks not a single question, not even my destination. Receive a phone call from Meg, checking in with me about Lauren and the pup. Arrive in Yeghegnadzor at 9:30am, walk to Lauren's apartment. Enter Lauren's apartment and see she has cleaned up all the vomit, quaratined the dog in the bathroom and managed to cut open her thumb in the process. I remove my jacket and shoes, grab Lauren's Peace Corps medical kit (because when you're someone's site-mate you JUST KNOW THAT SHIT) wrap and tape her thumb. After triaging, we are out the door at 10:07 and into a taxi with a garbage bag full of vomit covered blankets, sleeping bags, towels, (because the routine hand-wash in this situation is incomprehensible) a newly bathed emaciated puppy, an apple, almonds and a veterinarian in wait. Along the way, our taxi driver comes upon a car accident saying, "One minute, I'm gonna see what's up", (a loose translation of dialect). Turns out a large vehicle had flipped over and was sinking into a decently size frozen pond, having uprooted two large trees. Getting into Yerevan around noon we make the decision to grab red eye iced-coffees and a sandwich to split to go, BECAUSE WHO CAN GO THROUGH THIS WITHOUT FOOD AND CAFFEINE? Prior to arriving at the vet's I told Lauren not to expect our norm having been there before. Arriving around 12:45, the vet greeted us, finishing a cigarette in his office/examination room. He assesses the situation and informs us the dog has Parvovirus, a very dangerous and deadly virus. Due to the fact that I had been with the puppy ( and Frank) when she was originally vaccinated the vet spoke to me as though I was responsible for not having given the second round of vaccinations. The guilt weighed on me as Nali's 2nd round of vac's were sitting in my barren refrigerator. The vet begins to explain that everything he is doing, we too, will need to do three times a day for 3 to 5 days. As has been the go-to mode of operation in Armenia, you merely accept that this just is the way it's going to be - you laugh, because it's absurd, because- SERIOUSLY? The vet begins to administer 14 different shots to the dog while informing us that this is a very, very bad situation. Lauren takes notes as the vet explains to me where and how much medicine needs to be administered. During this process in his most casual manor, the vet accidentally sprayed Lauren with some of the medicine, laughing. Before leaving, on non-descript paper the vet wrote out the needed 'prescription' for the dog. Lauren and I leave, dropping off her laundry at the dry cleaners and then head to the ATM for some cash-flow. At this point, we again assess the situation and start planning out each sentence for the phone call to Jennifer Abeles, being the saviour/founder of this particular puppy. Sitting on a bench to eat our sandwich in the area outside the Opera house, Lauren begins to create a make-shift leash from our taxi-ride-emergency-throw-up-garbage-bags when I spot the Archbishop of our town (the most influential individual in our area), waltzing through the square. I point out Lauren's boss to her as she uses her teeth to rip open the garbage bag for the makeshift leash (supposed to be at work). I really wanted to take a nap at this point. Lauren and I were delirious in our laughter over the situation. After 15 minutes or so we headed to the nearest human pharmacy, after having asked some by-standers where it is located, and bought all of the pup's meds for around 10 USD. Before heading to our bus stop, Lauren and I made sure to take the pup into the supermarket for chocolate, something salty and some gini. We were happy to discover that the marshutni (bus) bosses were cool with the puppy riding along. Home at 6:00 pm to administer 6 shots (ourselves) while the pup cried like a banshee. We have 3 more days to go. Pray Jesus.

Care for a sick puppy- $100

2 Coffees and a sandwich- $10

1 puppy, 2 exhausted volunteers transportation home- $5

Feeling like true Peace Corps Volunteers- Priceless.

Jeez, even looking at it now I understand why people were complaining about the length. I ended up taking the post down after some comments I misunderstood and a long conversation with my brother about whether or not Facebook was the appropriate forum for such a story. We argued our points back and forth; he stating that if I was looking for an outlet, perhaps calling a friend would have been a better option and I understood his point. Another reason I took the post down was because two days later, more than 20 injections and a lot of suffering on the part of the puppy and the humans involved this 4 month old pup, Nali, died in her sleep. I didn't want to make the death of this dog a lighthearted Facebook/ Peace Corps anecdote. Also, the somewhat brag-like tone in the final sentences as the AMEX commercials was in no way a reflection of our attitudes. 

The experience of trying to save this puppy's life against all odds was a huge learning lesson in Armenian culture. We were lucky that the pup passed in her sleep, otherwise we were going to be responsible for euthanizing her. Two different Armenian vets insisted we continue the medicinal treatments, despite the fact the dog had a 20% chance to live. This would have never happened at home in the states. The veterinarian we met in our local town, Yeghegnadzor, was more open about how wrong he felt it was for us to intentionally put Nali down. He crossed himself saying, "This thing isn't done in Armenia, no one does this, I will not do it... if you want, leave her in the mountains." It was a hard thing to have the professionals in the room making Lauren and I feel like bad people for doing what we as Americans find more humane and reasonable. 

The irony in the vets aversion to putting the pup to sleep is in the flip side of Armenian attitudes toward domesticated animals. I don't want to sit here and put behaviors on blast without making it clear that there is a hierarchy of needs here in Armenia. Yeah, we have internet and electricity and cellphone service. Yes, a good majority of people have running water, but this is ultimately a developing country. Many Armenians can not afford proper health care, if any at all. Why would they even begin to give a shit about the animals around them that don't provide any source of food or income (aka cats and dogs)? The mistreatment of animals in this country is something every volunteer faces at one point or another. Some of us grow a thick cultural skin, feeling it's not something that can be changed. Others remain sensitive and make efforts to impress ideas of animals rights upon Armenians they are in relationship with. Personally, the issue of animal rights is something I want to leave alone. I care for my cat, really I love Frank dearly but after my experience with a sick animal I acutely felt how ridiculous all that we went through might seem from an outsider's perspective. 

Case in point was the reaction of my friends at school when I explained why my weekend was so terrible. "Oh a dog died?!?! Carolyn! I was worried there for a second!", and I knew this was going to be the case, so it didn't upset me. It's the reality of where I live and it is something I feel I must accept. I hate to sound so callous, but the truth of it is I feel most at peace as a volunteer when I surrender to the norm. The rock in the river flowing.

I am me and they are them and that is all. 

Seriously, only 5 more months left?!?!

For a while there I was thinking about leaving on a daily basis in a kind of cyclical manic-depressive-escapism way. (Don't care if that actually made sense). It wasn't good for me but I can't really say I'd been in a great place. Luckily though, I was not alone in my apathetic despondency. Depression this winter was at the very least less manic than last winter but just as affecting. Instead of feeling totally out of my head I just felt low... really, really low.

In general, my lack of writing on this blog is directly related to those feelings of depression. Not to say it came and never went away but when it left there was nothing much to say. Not only that, but I haven't been so closed in a long time. I wasn't writing because the things going on in my head weren't truly appropriate for this blog. Ultimately, I do answer to Peace Corps with what I say here and for good, understandable reasons. What I write can be easily misunderstood and misinterpreted and those two things are opposite of the Peace Corps 10 Commandments ( or 'Core Expectations'). Yet, I'm lucky to have friends both in and out of Peace Corps I can share my uncensored thoughts with, without harming my community or Armenia.

It's kind of crazy to think that the last time I blogged was before I even decided to book my plane ticket to Milan. When things got sticky in the fall I became totally focused on life after Peace Corps and was trying my hardest to get approval to leave a little early to attend a specific Yoga Teacher Training I had discovered in the Himalayan mountains. It took a while to find the one I was looking for, then there was some negotiating and around the time of my last blog post I was notified that my request had been once and for all officially declined. In retrospect it was good timing as the holidays were coming up and I had no choice but to forget about all that for a little while.

This year I hosted Christmas for some close friends of mine. I enjoyed picking out a fake tree and  decorating the house with some help. I did not enjoy when my pipes froze two days before Christmas, after the casual Christmas party ( that no one came to because it was freezing and we were all broke (( or so I tell myself)) and two days before actual Christmas. I am very grateful for the friends I do have though, as they helped to hold me and the holiday all together. Everyone was so good lending helping hands with fetching water, cooking, stoking the fire, gathering the fire wood, dealing with poo mountain and most of all keeping spirits relaxed and positive. Frank was even enjoying our company by the end of the four day affair.

It was the day after Christmas that I impulsively bought a ticket to visit my friend Caitlin in Italy. I had been holding on to a voucher from AirFrance that was about to expire and instead of looking into trips BLAHBLAHBLAH I simply booked my ticket and then notified my friend - because I've known her since Pre-K and BOOM, moves like that are totally okay! A few days later I traveled to Yerevan to meet with other volunteers and celebrate the New Year. I had a really amazing night, dancing with my friend David only how David and I can dance. My friend Chris came back to Malishka with me on the 2nd for a few nights. One night we almost died of smoke suffocation from my wood stove but HEY, we didn't and that's what counts. I also visited my host family for a very low-key 'Nor Tari' (New Year) celebration.

My lowest was after all of this. The sun had not shone in about two weeks and the temperature was staying between 0 and 15 degrees Fahrenheit. It was in that time I just felt empty, bored and despondent. I didn't have school and I didn't really have anywhere to be. I started writing in my 'ledger' at this point, a gift from a friend. The ledger is a daily account of my life's happenings. At first it was just about giving myself something to do and then it sort of took on a life of its own. Luckily, I soon discovered Beyonce's new album and I again had purpose in my life- to writhe around my living room as though I was the sexy goddess that Beyonce is. This helped to lift my spirits immensely until school started up again. I knew that all I had to do was to get through two weeks of school and then it was vacation time!

Not to forget January's 'Great Pet Caravan to Yerevan' where myself and Frank, two puppies, two kittens and two other volunteers gathered in a taxi to head to the veterinarian in Yerevan. Frank made me so proud on this day, so much so that when giving his name for his kitty passport (so that he can come home with me in July) I went with 'Francis Scott'. No, not after Francis Scott Key but F. Scott Fitzgerald. I have my friend Jenny to thank for that one. Either way it was an adventure and not nearly as stressful as I'd previously envisioned. After having that experience I feel confident about Frank's ability to travel to America!


Instead of writing another 11 paragraphs about Italy and how amazing and beautiful and sexy and comforting and invigorating and liberating and perfect it was in every single way I'll wrap up saying this: I'm going to make the rest of my days here count, savoring all the moments I have left. I'm going to try and keep my heart open, even when it hurts, especially when it hurts. I'm going to love Armenia and let it love me.