Today my Regional Manager came to visit my village. She was coming to check out my possible new house and meet with my Director. My counterpart did not come to meet with her, because you know - it was her day off and all. It was so nice to have Meri, my Regional Manager with me. She is an Armenian and beautifully fluent in English. I really trust her judgment and understanding of volunteers' needs. In short, she's great.
Unfortunately, there are some problems with the place. Namely, money. Every month, Peace Corps deposits 145,144 drams into my Armenian bank account. That exchanges out to about $356.14 a month. Now, that is based on the fact that I live in a village, so I am only allotted 15,000 drams ($36.81) for rent. This is the amount that the volunteer before me paid for this house back in April of last year. The landlords in Russia have communicated to their brother (who will manage the house and myself) that now the asking price is 25,000 drams ($61.34). There is this baffling Peace Corps rule that you are not allowed to pay 5,000 drams over the allotted amount within the stipened. Luckily for me, there is an appeal process and my Regional Manager explained that I am a volunteer, it's going to be really difficult to pay the 25,000 (and I'm technically not allowed to, either).
I will wait to hear back from both him and Meri, so that hopefully everything is sorted out my next week. By sorted out, I mean I will begin the repeal process (which can take up to a month) and hopefully only pay 20,000 drams (5,000 extra out of the 145,144) for the month of March. Other then the money and the fact that I can't paint the bare cement walls, I am extremely exited about this place. Mainly because I get to buy new stuff; including but not limited to food items, linoleum, rugs, a teflon stick-free pan, and other things.
Every night before I go to bed I dream of living in there. I'm considering buying a bed right now, as it's become more and more important to me. There are other household goods that I'm giddy about buying, simply ecstatic.
Wish me luck on the repeal process!!
Song Of the Week: Taking Back Sunday - You're So Last Summer (yes, I still rock out to TBS)
Quote of the Week: "What is it- one of those 'pin - interest' things?"
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
"Let It Always Be..."
Is typically how an Armenian toast will begin. On February 13th, Armenians celebrate an equivalent of Valentine's Day, except their holiday is steeped in ancient tradition. Families will light a small fire, circle around it several times while holding hands and then each person jumps over/ through the fire 3, 5, or 8 times. This is a very big day for those newly engaged, or newly married. If this is your case, then your family will throw a big 'ole party and the small fire will be more like a bonfire. I'm not exactly sure how people jump over that fire... I celebrated with my host family and Siranush explained to me that jumping over the fire would cleanse the soul of sins, opening your heart to God's light (or something like that). Then I found this explanation for an Armenian news outlet, "The celebration of the Trndez is pagan in origin and is originally connected with sun/fire worship in ancient pre-Christian Armenia, symbolizing the coming of spring and fertility. On this day, sweethearts leap over bonfires with their hands clasped to symbolize eternal love." (Panarmenia.net)
Siranush had cooked up a tasty meal and Samvell was eager to drink his homemade wine with me once again. The last time we shared drinks together was before I left to go home. When he poured my first glass, the strong brandy-like smell hit my nostrils and the way that things were before I left returned to me. The sense that this is my family that cares for me, that I was truly happy and comfortable living here, and how I felt close with Samvell. I'm realizing that maybe my being away for so long, and returning was not only an adjustment for me - but for the family too. I can't presume to know the thoughts that went through their heads, but whatever tension that's existed the last few weeks between Samvell and I was totally washed away in that evening.
I hate to say it, and I'm sure that there are people who might disagree, but sometimes sitting down for a few drinks and getting buzzed will form a bond between two people. In this case, when we sit down to share his wine, Samvell forgets that I am this confusing anomaly of an independent, unmarried, young woman. I am Carolyn, who likes to talk about politics and the differences between Armenian and American culture. And he is Samvell, who loves these topics too and likes dancing to Michael Jackson. It was a long evening with toasts to the dead cat, my family back home, my new house, and to my always being a part of the family, that I will always have a place in their home.
In other news: I have found a house to live in! Next week my Regional Manager will come to approve the house and make sure that it meets Peace Corps standards. Once I have the place the my liking, expect pictures! We had a conference last week, it was great to see all the other volunteers that I don't normally get a chance to see. I brought one of the English teachers with me and it was great to work with her. My friend Phi is back home in California visiting family and I can't wait for her return! Though we will go weeks without seeing one another normally, the idea that I can't call her if I feel like it makes me miss her!!
Quote of the Week: "Look, I can do something like that, too!" (hacks a loogey)
Album of the Week: Cake 'Fashion Nugget'
Siranush had cooked up a tasty meal and Samvell was eager to drink his homemade wine with me once again. The last time we shared drinks together was before I left to go home. When he poured my first glass, the strong brandy-like smell hit my nostrils and the way that things were before I left returned to me. The sense that this is my family that cares for me, that I was truly happy and comfortable living here, and how I felt close with Samvell. I'm realizing that maybe my being away for so long, and returning was not only an adjustment for me - but for the family too. I can't presume to know the thoughts that went through their heads, but whatever tension that's existed the last few weeks between Samvell and I was totally washed away in that evening.
I hate to say it, and I'm sure that there are people who might disagree, but sometimes sitting down for a few drinks and getting buzzed will form a bond between two people. In this case, when we sit down to share his wine, Samvell forgets that I am this confusing anomaly of an independent, unmarried, young woman. I am Carolyn, who likes to talk about politics and the differences between Armenian and American culture. And he is Samvell, who loves these topics too and likes dancing to Michael Jackson. It was a long evening with toasts to the dead cat, my family back home, my new house, and to my always being a part of the family, that I will always have a place in their home.
In other news: I have found a house to live in! Next week my Regional Manager will come to approve the house and make sure that it meets Peace Corps standards. Once I have the place the my liking, expect pictures! We had a conference last week, it was great to see all the other volunteers that I don't normally get a chance to see. I brought one of the English teachers with me and it was great to work with her. My friend Phi is back home in California visiting family and I can't wait for her return! Though we will go weeks without seeing one another normally, the idea that I can't call her if I feel like it makes me miss her!!
Quote of the Week: "Look, I can do something like that, too!" (hacks a loogey)
Album of the Week: Cake 'Fashion Nugget'
Sunday, February 3, 2013
An Act of Kindness
That's what Peace Corps is hypothetically all about, right? Being good to those less fortunate than you, and all that other Lifetime feel good stuff. I realize that I rarely divulge information about anything outside of what's going on in my head, the friends I visit and other positive things. If you have the honor of speaking with me offline or are a PCV also, you know well that there is much more going on behind the scenes. That sometimes I leave school after only three classes, because I feel my head is going to explode with frustration with my counterpart. And somedays, I want to scream on the top of my lungs at the children.
If I'm wholly honest, all of January was a tough month for me. There were a few highlights, yes - like the bathtubs and traveling to see my friends. On a whole though- it was the most difficult month that I have had in service so far. I know where I'm hitting glass ceilings and it's utterly infuriating. I want to reach these kids, for them to like me, respect me and realize that I'm not a joke or a party planner or a babysitter. I am their teacher and I feel this is a fact often forgot.
The twin sisters that I live with, I am not going to call them my sisters (as many other PCVs do with their host family) because that would give you the wrong idea about our closeness. These girls have made it a point to distance themselves from me socially. I suspect their friends don't think I'm 'cool', and for crying out loud they are fifteen years old - the most wretched age of all, so there is quite a bit of distance between us. They are in the 10th grade and their classmates are at a precipice in their educational careers. There are few that will go on to University, as scholarships and such are not readily available here, and there are maybe two or three kids that can afford the tuition. And so there are few who care to try hard in class. They know the game: come to school on time, sit, make minimal disruptions, go home. Two years left and then mundane adult life will begin.
You may remember that there are no systems in place to punish students for bad behavior. Unfortunately, we were given no training in the ways of classroom management. In fact, we were assured that this responsibility was solely that of our Armenian counterparts. In my case, this is practically a joke. In many cases, the students are more likely to listen to me than to her. It's incredibly exhausting, frustrating, and makes me think 'I don't want children'. Last week, I hit my breaking point with the 10th grade. I had created a lesson where they had 'Agree' and 'Disagree' signs that I wanted them to hold up in response to questions like "My life will be better if I can speak English''. The plan was to hold a discussion where I would hopefully convince some students to care more about English class.
Well, they were so disruptive that we didn't even get through the questions. Some students refused to participate at all. They know well, there is nothing I can do about this. Maybe a low score for the day, but no detention - their parents won't find out, and in the grand scheme of things it really makes no difference at all. I got their attention by raising my voice saying something like, "THAT'S ENOUGH". It's very possible that I was purple in the face, as well. I then began to give a speech that went something like this:
"What did I do? Did I do something for you to have no respect for me, none, not even an ounce? Do you realize that the only reason I am here, in this country, is for you? My whole life is in America - my family, my friends (at this point I was on the verge of tears), and you hurt me. Everyday that you laugh at me, disrespect me, you hurt me. So everyday that I don't show up to class, is a day that I don't want to hurt. Do you understand?"
Apparently, I got my message across this time because their homeroom teacher ( a close mentor of Siranush) came over at the end of day. She looked entertained as she said, "So you got angry today? What happened?". I explained to her what I had said. She simply listens and told me that maybe today they understood. Ironically, my counterpart has decided that it's a good idea for me to take over this class complete for the next month. She has admitted to not knowing how to teach in anyway other than reading straight out of the awful textbooks. Well, these kids are for a real surprise when they learn this news. No more bullshit, no more nonsense.
So, my act of kindness? Well, it wasn't mine, it was Siranush's. Though I haven't been confiding or talking with her nearly as much as I was before leaving, she understands that I am struggling with things here at the moment. This morning she was awake the same time as me - a rarity. I wake up about 2.5 hours before school. I enjoy taking my time getting ready and having the kitchen to myself in the morning. At the moment, the shower is out of comission. I am getting the feeling they simply don't take full showers in the winter. I don't want to go out there either- it's freezing. (Don't worry kids, I shower at friend's). I badly needed to wash my hair before school today and I guess Siranush did too. She realized what I was preparing to do, and confirmed with me, then suggested that she wash my hair for me. I have seen her do this for the girls before, so I figured what the hell.
It struck me as such an act of love. It was really touching to have her wash my hair with such care, the same as she would her girls. It's moments like these that I rejoice in, holding onto these moments in the darker ones.
If I'm wholly honest, all of January was a tough month for me. There were a few highlights, yes - like the bathtubs and traveling to see my friends. On a whole though- it was the most difficult month that I have had in service so far. I know where I'm hitting glass ceilings and it's utterly infuriating. I want to reach these kids, for them to like me, respect me and realize that I'm not a joke or a party planner or a babysitter. I am their teacher and I feel this is a fact often forgot.
The twin sisters that I live with, I am not going to call them my sisters (as many other PCVs do with their host family) because that would give you the wrong idea about our closeness. These girls have made it a point to distance themselves from me socially. I suspect their friends don't think I'm 'cool', and for crying out loud they are fifteen years old - the most wretched age of all, so there is quite a bit of distance between us. They are in the 10th grade and their classmates are at a precipice in their educational careers. There are few that will go on to University, as scholarships and such are not readily available here, and there are maybe two or three kids that can afford the tuition. And so there are few who care to try hard in class. They know the game: come to school on time, sit, make minimal disruptions, go home. Two years left and then mundane adult life will begin.
You may remember that there are no systems in place to punish students for bad behavior. Unfortunately, we were given no training in the ways of classroom management. In fact, we were assured that this responsibility was solely that of our Armenian counterparts. In my case, this is practically a joke. In many cases, the students are more likely to listen to me than to her. It's incredibly exhausting, frustrating, and makes me think 'I don't want children'. Last week, I hit my breaking point with the 10th grade. I had created a lesson where they had 'Agree' and 'Disagree' signs that I wanted them to hold up in response to questions like "My life will be better if I can speak English''. The plan was to hold a discussion where I would hopefully convince some students to care more about English class.
Well, they were so disruptive that we didn't even get through the questions. Some students refused to participate at all. They know well, there is nothing I can do about this. Maybe a low score for the day, but no detention - their parents won't find out, and in the grand scheme of things it really makes no difference at all. I got their attention by raising my voice saying something like, "THAT'S ENOUGH". It's very possible that I was purple in the face, as well. I then began to give a speech that went something like this:
"What did I do? Did I do something for you to have no respect for me, none, not even an ounce? Do you realize that the only reason I am here, in this country, is for you? My whole life is in America - my family, my friends (at this point I was on the verge of tears), and you hurt me. Everyday that you laugh at me, disrespect me, you hurt me. So everyday that I don't show up to class, is a day that I don't want to hurt. Do you understand?"
Apparently, I got my message across this time because their homeroom teacher ( a close mentor of Siranush) came over at the end of day. She looked entertained as she said, "So you got angry today? What happened?". I explained to her what I had said. She simply listens and told me that maybe today they understood. Ironically, my counterpart has decided that it's a good idea for me to take over this class complete for the next month. She has admitted to not knowing how to teach in anyway other than reading straight out of the awful textbooks. Well, these kids are for a real surprise when they learn this news. No more bullshit, no more nonsense.
So, my act of kindness? Well, it wasn't mine, it was Siranush's. Though I haven't been confiding or talking with her nearly as much as I was before leaving, she understands that I am struggling with things here at the moment. This morning she was awake the same time as me - a rarity. I wake up about 2.5 hours before school. I enjoy taking my time getting ready and having the kitchen to myself in the morning. At the moment, the shower is out of comission. I am getting the feeling they simply don't take full showers in the winter. I don't want to go out there either- it's freezing. (Don't worry kids, I shower at friend's). I badly needed to wash my hair before school today and I guess Siranush did too. She realized what I was preparing to do, and confirmed with me, then suggested that she wash my hair for me. I have seen her do this for the girls before, so I figured what the hell.
It struck me as such an act of love. It was really touching to have her wash my hair with such care, the same as she would her girls. It's moments like these that I rejoice in, holding onto these moments in the darker ones.
Monday, January 28, 2013
What's In Your Head?
Today is Army Day in Armenia, so there is no school and banks, etc are closed. Over the weekend, I traveled to the capital to do some business, and also for our book club. This was the book club's first meeting, so I was looking forward to seeing how Peace Corps staff lives and also to have a relaxing evening.
Luckily, I was able to do just that the night of the book club. The Assistant Director of the country was hosting and some of us stayed the night at her place, as opposed to a hostel. When everyone was winding down, she told us of the jacuzzi bath located in the guest room. I made a swift move to be the first person indulging in such a luxury. She had epsom salt, lavendar essentials oils and the whole bit! I felt like I was home and it was truly wonderful. I am such a hedonist, that I took yet another 45 minute bath the next morning.
While I was living in Boston in the winter of 2011, and in the midst of the application process, I was fortunate enough to have a clawfoot tub located in the bathroom right off of my room. I would spend the majority of my weekend in there, singing on the top of my lungs, incense burning, drinking chilled white wine and what ever else. After one such occasion, I sauntered into the living room, probably still in my bathrobe, flushed in the face from the heat and plopped down onto the couch with an audible sigh of contentment. My roommate looked at me and teasingly asked, "How are you going to live without the bath tub Carolyn?" I didn't have an answer for him at the time; so we laughed together about the multitude of indulgences I would have to give up upon entering the Peace Corps.
I don't know if he reads this blog, but if he does I would say to him, "Nah Nah!" At this moment, there are three baths in this country with my name on them. One right in the town next to me (this is a new development), my friend Chris up North's, and now the most prized one of all that I must wait until the 1st weekend in March to lounge in once again.
In other news, I found out this weekend that young Armenians are really into The Cranberries, particularly the song 'Zombie'. That was probably the highlight (besides the bath) of my weekend. Also, the search is still on for a house - no luck yet. And nearly all of the snow has melted, its stayed between 40 and 50 degrees in the day! Fingers crossed that the winter stays this mild!
I miss all my babies at home, in particular the four year old.
Quote of the Week: "There are alotta weird things to think about in this country." Tommy Ransdell
Song of the Week: The Cranberries 'Linger'
Luckily, I was able to do just that the night of the book club. The Assistant Director of the country was hosting and some of us stayed the night at her place, as opposed to a hostel. When everyone was winding down, she told us of the jacuzzi bath located in the guest room. I made a swift move to be the first person indulging in such a luxury. She had epsom salt, lavendar essentials oils and the whole bit! I felt like I was home and it was truly wonderful. I am such a hedonist, that I took yet another 45 minute bath the next morning.
While I was living in Boston in the winter of 2011, and in the midst of the application process, I was fortunate enough to have a clawfoot tub located in the bathroom right off of my room. I would spend the majority of my weekend in there, singing on the top of my lungs, incense burning, drinking chilled white wine and what ever else. After one such occasion, I sauntered into the living room, probably still in my bathrobe, flushed in the face from the heat and plopped down onto the couch with an audible sigh of contentment. My roommate looked at me and teasingly asked, "How are you going to live without the bath tub Carolyn?" I didn't have an answer for him at the time; so we laughed together about the multitude of indulgences I would have to give up upon entering the Peace Corps.
I don't know if he reads this blog, but if he does I would say to him, "Nah Nah!" At this moment, there are three baths in this country with my name on them. One right in the town next to me (this is a new development), my friend Chris up North's, and now the most prized one of all that I must wait until the 1st weekend in March to lounge in once again.
In other news, I found out this weekend that young Armenians are really into The Cranberries, particularly the song 'Zombie'. That was probably the highlight (besides the bath) of my weekend. Also, the search is still on for a house - no luck yet. And nearly all of the snow has melted, its stayed between 40 and 50 degrees in the day! Fingers crossed that the winter stays this mild!
I miss all my babies at home, in particular the four year old.
Quote of the Week: "There are alotta weird things to think about in this country." Tommy Ransdell
Song of the Week: The Cranberries 'Linger'
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends
I have been back in Armenia for approximately three weeks now and I'm finally feeling readjusted. Anyone close to me knows that I was having a seriously difficult time being back in my village, at host family's home. The word isolation doesn't do it justice. As a friend asked in his oh-so-blunt way this morning, "back to the grind of freedomless womanhood in armenia?".
Interestingly, the thing that helped me get back into the mindset was hitting the road and going to see friends. You might think that I was doing myself an injustice by only temporarily leaving my solitary confinement to eat good food and drink wine with friends. It may cross your mind that this, similarly to visiting America, would only lead to deeper feelings of depression, isolation, and general misery.
Yet, when I sat up in the middle of the 4th or 5th night in the village, because the insomnia was becoming too much and I wanted to write; the things that were written down and later remembered the next morning were a warning sign to me. I was likening the sense of dread deep in the pit of my belly to a seriously dark time in my life during college. That was when I knew I needed to leave. While I believe that working through tough times independently is an important component to healing / progress, there also is a strength in saying ' I need your help right now' - and that is precisely what I did.
First, I visited site mates in the nearby town and cried the moment I put my bags down. I told the girls of my time at home and all I was feeling since returning. They sat and listened supportively until I was finished. What a necessary reminder that there are people here, that are here with me in this, that they give a shit and I'm not alone! Once I knew school was canceled ( due to the cold) for yet another week, I gave my friend Brian a call. I view Brian as this gift from the heavens, a sweet man that finds my crassness hilarious, cuddles with me when I demand it, and bakes me cookies while I lay under a blanket watching Friends. That's real friendship, kids. Brian is also my favorite person alive because he invited me to go over to the music school that he is associated with to sing songs while he plays along on the piano. If you know me, you understand what a dream come true this man is for me... Sorry Auntie's if I got your hopes up, he unfortunately plays for the other team :)
After two nights of cold heaven, I went back into the capital to wait around for a taxi to go about four hours north to the town of Berd. It was my friend Christopher's 25th birthday weekend and I was damned if I wasn't going to make it up there! To my great surprise, it turns out that Chris has a working bathtub. Oh the joy, the shock of learning this upon my arrival!!! Not only that, but the weather was cooperating as well. Chris and I took a walk each day that I was there, enjoyed the beautiful daylight and scenery. We had long talks about "the meaning of it all" while sitting on an unfinished Soviet bridge, and then I ate shit on the mud/snow on the way back.
Even though my return travel was a real bitch (left Berd at 10am, arrived in Malishka at 9pm), I felt truly refreshed. There's something about being on the road for that long, even if you are cramped up against the door so you don't crush the wildly petite woman squeezed in next to you, that clears the mind. It reminded me that there is a lot about this country I love. It was also nice to taste freedom on my tongue, if only temporarily. Staying with friends who have places of their own got me planning all the things I want to do once I have the same. I don't know if I've ever started planning my birthday so early...
Song Of the Week: U2 "One"
Interestingly, the thing that helped me get back into the mindset was hitting the road and going to see friends. You might think that I was doing myself an injustice by only temporarily leaving my solitary confinement to eat good food and drink wine with friends. It may cross your mind that this, similarly to visiting America, would only lead to deeper feelings of depression, isolation, and general misery.
Yet, when I sat up in the middle of the 4th or 5th night in the village, because the insomnia was becoming too much and I wanted to write; the things that were written down and later remembered the next morning were a warning sign to me. I was likening the sense of dread deep in the pit of my belly to a seriously dark time in my life during college. That was when I knew I needed to leave. While I believe that working through tough times independently is an important component to healing / progress, there also is a strength in saying ' I need your help right now' - and that is precisely what I did.
First, I visited site mates in the nearby town and cried the moment I put my bags down. I told the girls of my time at home and all I was feeling since returning. They sat and listened supportively until I was finished. What a necessary reminder that there are people here, that are here with me in this, that they give a shit and I'm not alone! Once I knew school was canceled ( due to the cold) for yet another week, I gave my friend Brian a call. I view Brian as this gift from the heavens, a sweet man that finds my crassness hilarious, cuddles with me when I demand it, and bakes me cookies while I lay under a blanket watching Friends. That's real friendship, kids. Brian is also my favorite person alive because he invited me to go over to the music school that he is associated with to sing songs while he plays along on the piano. If you know me, you understand what a dream come true this man is for me... Sorry Auntie's if I got your hopes up, he unfortunately plays for the other team :)
After two nights of cold heaven, I went back into the capital to wait around for a taxi to go about four hours north to the town of Berd. It was my friend Christopher's 25th birthday weekend and I was damned if I wasn't going to make it up there! To my great surprise, it turns out that Chris has a working bathtub. Oh the joy, the shock of learning this upon my arrival!!! Not only that, but the weather was cooperating as well. Chris and I took a walk each day that I was there, enjoyed the beautiful daylight and scenery. We had long talks about "the meaning of it all" while sitting on an unfinished Soviet bridge, and then I ate shit on the mud/snow on the way back.
Even though my return travel was a real bitch (left Berd at 10am, arrived in Malishka at 9pm), I felt truly refreshed. There's something about being on the road for that long, even if you are cramped up against the door so you don't crush the wildly petite woman squeezed in next to you, that clears the mind. It reminded me that there is a lot about this country I love. It was also nice to taste freedom on my tongue, if only temporarily. Staying with friends who have places of their own got me planning all the things I want to do once I have the same. I don't know if I've ever started planning my birthday so early...
Song Of the Week: U2 "One"
Quote: "Stinks, stinks like shit!" - McGruber
Monday, January 14, 2013
It's Not You, It's Me...
… the hardest sentence to explain or make sense of to anyone you’re separating
from. I have finally decided to
move out of my host family’s. It’s been great, but it is high time that I found a place of my own.
I’ve been back in Armenia since around 10pm on January 2nd.
I had to, once again, say goodbye to my friends and family. My girlfriends from
home sat around my kitchen table one last time and laughed our heads off, putting off that ‘goodbye’
as long as possible. Just thinking about it makes me miss them. I smoked my last ever cigarette with my
long time comrade in this activity on my porch, then watched as they drove away
in their separate cars. See, I have this sinking feeling that by the time I return to America, most of them will have moved out of town. Our accessibility to one another will really never be the same. This feeling, that an era is over, has been ever present in my life recently.
On my way out of town, I stopped at my niece’s home to
give her a birthday present, sing Happy Birthday and hit the road. At the
airport my mother cried equally as hard as the first time and my father was as
stoic as ever. It was definitely interesting to be heading back alone this time
around. When I checked in, the lady asked if I was willing to volunteer for a
later flight that evening and that I would be compensated for my time. I agreed
and walked away with $400 in flight credits. Here I come exotic yoga retreat
this summer!
Stepping out of the airport outside the capital city was
certainly surreal. There was a part of me afraid I had forgotten all my
Armenian, but when I opened my mouth to speak, I was happily surprised that not
all had been lost. I met my friend at the Peace Corps office and then headed
back out with him. We crashed at another volunteers place that night and then
returned back to the city. The next two nights were spent at a hotel with my
closest friend here, to celebrate her 24th birthday. We had a grand
old time and the next night attended a dinner hosted by Foreign Service
Officers to offer us information on the life of a diplomat.
The next afternoon as I sat in the taxi on my way back to
Malishka, it occurred to me that I had literally not been there in a month. A
little anxiety started to kick in, and I realized that I didn’t want to return
to anyone. While it was nice to have people there, with a fire going and hot food
waiting – I also just wanted to crash. I wanted to walk in the door, drop my
bags, change into sweatpants and call my mother. Yet, these options were not
available to me. They were waiting for me, they were excited to see me and
wanted to sit and hear all about my trip. I gave them their presents and we
chatted a little bit over dinner. Luckily, by the time I had returned the week-long
Nor Tari celebrations were coming to an end. The last thing I wanted was to
walk into a house full of guests, or even meet a single new person after living
out of a suitcase for a month, and being on the go for the last week.
When I woke the next morning, the gnawing feeling that I
wanted a place of my own began to intensify. Even before coming to Armenia, I had figured that by spring I would find a house for myself.
Yet, this was different. Being home for that long of a time, made me keenly
aware of how many sacrifices I truly had been making in the ways of personal
space and freedom. The freedom to eat –guiltlessly- at anytime that I chose, freedom
to come and go as I please with no explanation and the personal space to do
yoga in one room, eat in another, sleep in yet another and never interfere with another person's doings.
I want these things. I want these things, bad. There are so
many daily stresses, that at the end of each one, I simply want to decompress.
No matter how long I am here, that will never be able to fully happen while
living with a host family. Now that I have finally expressed this to my family,
I feel a little better knowing that things are moving in that direction.
Today I returned to school for the first time. The weather has turned from mild to your typical uncomfortably cold winter in the last week. Siranush informed me on Sunday that we would not teach Monday, but that we would meet and decide if we are going to hold classes or not this week. In the morning, her mentor - a very senior individual in the school- came to walk with us. She told me that it had already been decided school would not be held this week. It felt like business as usual upon entering the front doors of the school and the wonderfully warm welcome I received from the rest of the teachers was heart warming. I got big hugs and kisses, wide grins and the feeling that I had genuinely been missed.
Tthis last week back hasn't been easy. I was excited to be here when I first landed and I don't regret for a second going home (even for that amount of time), but it has been emotionally taxing this last week. In some ways, it feels as though I am back in the game, after a healed injury, with new sneakers to break in. It hurts, and I'm getting blisters where the skin had softened. Yet, this game is not entirely new and hardship is a game I've defeated in the past. I'm keeping my head up, and milking my close relationships for what their worth. Tomorrow, I will travel to see my friend Brian and then Thursday head North for the first time for my New York bestie's 25th birthday. I look forward to getting some good pictures for my next video!! And if you haven't yet seen the video I made, check it out here.
Quote of the week: "I'm not tryna hear any a that sissy shit!"
Song of the Week: Flight Facilities "Clair de lune (ft. christine hoberg)"
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
That's All Folks!
As I write this my mother is tearily preparing my last breakfast home for the next 20 months. I've made the executive decision to stay on the other side of the world until my service is complete. When I first left back in May, I had left myself open to both the possibility of returning home during service and remaining in Armenia. Clearly, the prior happened and I'm glad that it did. My time home has been as wonderful as possible considering the unexpected factors: the length of my stay and the reasons why my stay was so long.
Being home has given me a unique perspective on my service thus far and what's ahead of me. The varying levels of interest from others in my experience, and what they're curious enough to ask me about, has been a source of entertainment throughout my stay at home. Generally, I get a little fresh with people - especially those that I'm close with; so there were many instances five minutes into the SAME questions AGAIN that I would bluntly say things like, "Well - you should probably just read my blog or look at my pictures on FB AND THEN YOU WOULD KNOW." So, I want to personally thank all of my readers and life followers; I greatly appreciate all of your love and adoration - it means more than you realize.
And now, I have some New Years reflections and resolutions that I would like to share.
Lessons learned in 2012:
- A conversation with my 4yr old niece, Soleil, as she takes a bath.
Being home has given me a unique perspective on my service thus far and what's ahead of me. The varying levels of interest from others in my experience, and what they're curious enough to ask me about, has been a source of entertainment throughout my stay at home. Generally, I get a little fresh with people - especially those that I'm close with; so there were many instances five minutes into the SAME questions AGAIN that I would bluntly say things like, "Well - you should probably just read my blog or look at my pictures on FB AND THEN YOU WOULD KNOW." So, I want to personally thank all of my readers and life followers; I greatly appreciate all of your love and adoration - it means more than you realize.
And now, I have some New Years reflections and resolutions that I would like to share.
Lessons learned in 2012:
- Trust yourself. From everything to your instincts, opinions, and potentially bad choices - go in and come out with your head high.
- Nothing and nobody is perfect, so stop expecting it to be that way.
- Attempting to gain happiness through others will only lead you to disappointment. Find it within yourself.
- Talk less, listen more.
- Sit back, kick your feet up and watch it all happen as objectively as possible.
2013 Goals:
- Find my balance in friendships, work, community integration, and decompression activities.
- End my casual relationship with cigarettes, once and for all.
- Continue to learn how to love myself fully, without judgment.
- Tend my own garden and not be envious of others'.
- Keep my heart open as much as possible, even when it hurts.
Well, that's all folks! Here's to another year full of new experiences, friendships, and lessons learned. I wish you all the very best. Thanks to all my friends and family that made it a point to come out and see me, or reach out to me via text and telephone. You're all so important to me, and until we meet again...
Kisses and such, Carolyn!
Song of the Month: Bob Seger: Turn the Page
Quote of the Month: "I love you, Carolyn."
"Aw, baby! How much do you love me?"
"In January."
- A conversation with my 4yr old niece, Soleil, as she takes a bath.
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