An Act of Kindness

That's what Peace Corps is hypothetically all about, right? Being good to those less fortunate than you, and all that other Lifetime feel good stuff. I realize that I rarely divulge information about anything outside of what's going on in my head, the friends I visit and other positive things. If you have the honor of speaking with me offline or are a PCV also, you know well that there is much more going on behind the scenes. That sometimes I leave school after only three classes, because I feel my head is going to explode with frustration with my counterpart. And somedays, I want to scream on the top of my lungs at the children.

If I'm wholly honest, all of January was a tough month for me. There were a few highlights, yes - like the bathtubs and traveling to see my friends. On a whole though- it was the most difficult month that I have had in service so far. I know where I'm hitting glass ceilings and it's utterly infuriating. I want to reach these kids, for them to like me, respect me and realize that I'm not a joke or a party planner or a babysitter. I am their teacher and I feel this is a fact often forgot.

The twin sisters that I live with, I am not going to call them my sisters (as many other PCVs do with their host family) because that would give you the wrong idea about our closeness. These girls have made it a point to distance themselves from me socially. I suspect their friends don't think I'm 'cool', and for crying out loud they are fifteen years old - the most wretched age of all, so there is quite a bit of distance between us. They are in the 10th grade and their classmates are at a precipice in their educational careers. There are few that will go on to University, as scholarships and such are not readily available here, and there are maybe two or three kids that can afford the tuition. And so there are few who care to try hard in class. They know the game: come to school on time, sit, make minimal disruptions, go home. Two years left and then mundane adult life will begin.

You may remember that there are no systems in place to punish students for bad behavior. Unfortunately, we were given no training in the ways of classroom management. In fact, we were assured that this responsibility was solely that of our Armenian counterparts. In my case, this is practically a joke. In many cases, the students are more likely to listen to me than to her. It's incredibly exhausting, frustrating, and makes me think 'I don't want children'. Last week, I hit my breaking point with the 10th grade. I had created a lesson where they had 'Agree' and 'Disagree' signs that I wanted them to hold up in response to questions like "My life will be better if I can speak English''. The plan was to hold a discussion where I would hopefully convince some students to care more about English class.

Well, they were so disruptive that we didn't even get through the questions. Some students refused to participate at all. They know well, there is nothing I can do about this. Maybe a low score for the day, but no detention - their parents won't find out, and in the grand scheme of things it really makes no difference at all. I got their attention by raising my voice saying something like, "THAT'S ENOUGH". It's very possible that I was purple in the face, as well. I then began to give a speech that went something like this:

"What did I do? Did I do something for you to have no respect for me, none, not even an ounce? Do you realize that the only reason I am here, in this country, is for you? My whole life is in America - my family, my friends (at this point I was on the verge of tears), and you hurt me. Everyday that you laugh at me, disrespect me, you hurt me. So everyday that I don't show up to class, is a day that I don't want to hurt. Do you understand?"

Apparently, I got my message across this time because their homeroom teacher ( a close mentor of Siranush) came over at the end of day. She looked entertained as she said, "So you got angry today? What happened?". I explained to her what I had said. She simply listens and told me that maybe today they understood. Ironically, my counterpart has decided that it's a good idea for me to take over this class complete for the next month. She has admitted to not knowing how to teach in anyway other than reading straight out of the awful textbooks. Well, these kids are for a real surprise when they learn this news. No more bullshit, no more nonsense.

So, my act of kindness? Well, it wasn't mine, it was Siranush's. Though I haven't been confiding or talking with her nearly as much as I was before leaving, she understands that I am struggling with things here at the moment. This morning she was awake the same time as me - a rarity. I wake up about 2.5 hours before school. I enjoy taking my time getting ready and having the kitchen to myself in the morning. At the moment, the shower is out of comission. I am getting the feeling they simply don't take full showers in the winter. I don't want to go out there either- it's freezing. (Don't worry kids, I shower at friend's). I badly needed to wash my hair before school today and I guess Siranush did too. She realized what I was preparing to do, and confirmed with me, then suggested that she wash my hair for me. I have seen her do this for the girls before, so I figured what the hell.

It struck me as such an act of love. It was really touching to have her wash my hair with such care, the same as she would her girls. It's moments like these that I rejoice in, holding onto these moments in the darker ones.